i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
