I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
