you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
