dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
