ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
