you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
