What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the condom got lost in my hair
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
