I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
