Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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