Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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