I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
