My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
