Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
