Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
