see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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