So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
