his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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