I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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