We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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