oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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