I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
