so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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