Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
