I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
