she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
