He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
