I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
