I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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