She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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