HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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