I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night