After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.