we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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