I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
