She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
