would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
