this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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