hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
