I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
