Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
