The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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