Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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