So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
