dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
