Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
