Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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