Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
fuck your aforementioned shoe
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
