I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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