she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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