he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
