You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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