if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
