Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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