my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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