Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
be right there i have to get my cape
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
