also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
