My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
