I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were trust falling into bushes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
