Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
