Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
