im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
