She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
