I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
