The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
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on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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