I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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